As it grew closer though, clashes between my schedule and training goals allowed for a comfortable procrastination. I did run 20 miles out of the blue one Saturday - The last five of them were miserable enough that I nearly abandoned my goal right then. I concluded not to decide - then. “Weak and vulnerable moments are no time to be making plans for what you want for the future” I told myself. When my confidence returned I planned runs of 25, 30, and 35 miles on successive Saturdays, assuring myself that the jump from 12 to 20 was what caused my misery to be so profound. That was a month ago now, and none of that had happened. That 20 mile Saturday remained the zenith of my training. Not wanting to give up on my goal so easy though, I began to prepare myself for suffering. I strategized in my mind and began to think of the run as an exploration of my own vulnerability. There is so much suffering out there in the world - so many people going through rough things, perhaps this experience would help me react with more compassion, gain more insight, and appreciate the way that the Lord comes to us in our time of need. I had a cause, and a cause can be even better than training.
Then Alma came to mind. Alma had taught the people in Gideon about the Savior. He taught that Jesus Christ would, “go forth suffering pains and afflictions of every kind”...taking upon Himself “the pains and sicknesses of His people” - all so that He might “know according to the flesh how to succor His people according to their infirmities” (Alma 7:11-14). This is a big deal - and it’s something I had known for a long time. I also understood that sinning with repentance in mind was a terrible and damnable thing, because it is making a mockery of the sacrifice of the Savior and using His suffering recklessly - as a commodity. In short caring, more about one's opportunity to commit sin than the pain and suffering the Savior endured to offer them cleansing from it. Jesus suffered not only for our sins, but also our pains and infirmities. I wondered how He felt about those who willingly submitted themselves to pain and suffering - for recreational or competitive aims. I wondered about the “no pain no gain” and “embrace the grind” type of slogans and what I was to understand about these things from the Savior's perspective. Even He learned obedience through the things He suffered (Hebrews 5:8). So suffering could be used as a teaching tool - I thought about the pride cycle and the purpose I had found in trails and afflictions that I had suffered. In His efforts not to spoil the child He had not spared the rod. From the scriptural record, I am also convinced that God is not a suffering minimalist. When and how is it authorized as a method though? Is it something man can impose upon himself purposefully and not come under condemnation? Are there specific purposes God would approve of for doing so? “Ye must not perform anything unto the Lord” I remembered reading from Nephi, “save in the first place ye shall pray unto the Father in the name of Christ, that he will consecrate thy performance unto thee, that thy performance may be for the welfare of thy soul” (2 Nephi 32:9). So I asked in prayer, and sought to consecrate the experience to Him - if He would have it. It surprised me a little that I felt He would. I was pleased though, and less nervous. With His sanction, I knew it wouldn’t make it less hard necessarily, but more meaningful and valuable. As I asked, I admitted my lack of training and asked for His help, I found myself promising to take none of the glory for it - I would point to Him.
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