((FOcUs))

Sometimes when I kneel to pray it is a less than fulfilling experience. The problem isn’t on my Father in Heaven’s side of the equation though, it’s mine. It has to do with my thoughts. On those occasions, they seem to scatter like a bunch of cats to the many disparate topics that have left their fingerprints on my mind recently; conversations I have had, songs I have listened to, things I’ve imagined, things I’ve watched, the conversations of others, and even things I wished I had said myself. They jump and bounce and compete for precious air time in my consciousness.
Now and again, one of those scattering trains of thought is completely unsource-able and completely bazaar - almost as if my mind was mocking me for my lack of control over it - producing a short clip of myself as a nervous circus performer backstage before a production, or sitting outside by the waters edge at a French village cafe as an international spy. I’m embarrassed when this happens - embarrassed that I don’t have, or at least did not exhibit, a greater control of focus. At those times my mind seems to scream with an almost deafening chorus of noise.
It’s not only prayer either - lack of focus has made different things difficult too. Prayer is just the one I feel worst about - because it means the most to me. Is this strange? Is this ADD? Is it because I have simply not disciplined myself in matters of the mind? I have long believed the quote, “that which we persist in doing becomes easier to do...” because our capacity increases to match the demands of what we continually do. Training of any kind relies on this singular principle. It is a two-edged sword though, bad habits can become easier as well if we continue in them. It’s clear - I need to grow in my capacity for focus. What brought this to my attention was clarity - and the contrast it allowed me to see. As I waited for on the platform for the train to work this morning, I noticed...my mind was really quiet and unencumbered. Focus was easy and natural. It felt great, it felt beautifully serene and powerful. I yearned for such clarity to stay and began to plan my diet of the mind.