The Price of Empathy

I remember picturing a lone pair of running shoes in the middle of a lane of traffic when he told me about his dad. He had been hit and killed out on his morning run. My friend explained that the vehicle had literally knocked him right out of his shoes. It still seems like a moment frozen in time to me - an echo chamber of thoughts. It is hard to separate my memories from my thoughts during that time, and slow motion seems the most natural replay speed. I imagined how something like that would effect me. I was a runner too, and I knew the intersection where it happened well. On runs in subsequent months and years I watched oncoming traffic carefully and planned escape routes if...
I couldn’t imagine missing my dad though. Truth is, I knew it hurt, but I had no idea how or how bad. I really wanted to help — but I didn’t know what to say or do. I felt paralyzed to do anything because I didn’t know the right thing to do.
Fast forward 20 something years and only a couple miles separate my friend and I now. We had regrettably drifted slowly apart after that. Circumstances of our busy lives were probably as much to blame as anything. We’d moved apart and then back close together now. Each of us with our little families, jobs, callings, etc.. We are friends on Facebook though, and shortly after my 40 mile/40th birthday, and my wife’s post on Facebook about it, he commented that his dad had done the same thing when he turned 40. We passed a short time later in the hallway of the church building both our wards attend and I told him I really wanted to hear the story. I really do. I want to be able to talk to him about his amazing father. And if nothing else was accomplished by my run than to open that discussion and help me be a friend -- it will have been worth every step.
You see, when I dedicated that run to the Lord, in my anxiety and lack of training, I told Him I desired to gain empathy from it. I wanted to venture into my own vulnerability and learn about suffering — so I could know, just a little better, how to help, how to be there for others when they suffer.
Jesus suffered the pains, afflictions, and infirmities of all mankind “that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities” (Alma 7:12). He paid the price to stand by us through it all — situations and circumstances that He would never have been in because He lived free from sin He willingly engaged for the opportunity to run to our aid in our times of need. Then the next verse reads, “Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people, that he might blot out their transgressions according to the power of his deliverance” (Alma 7:13). It seems kind of a strange place to put an acknowledgement of the omniscience of the Spirit of God at first glance. Yet because the Spirit knoweth all things, I think that means that Jesus could have known “how to succor His people according to their infirmities” without the literal and physical experience of them. This is something he could have known by the Spirit - yet He bore them. His stated purpose? “That he might blot out their transgressions.” So just how does Jesus taking upon himself not just my sins, but also my pains, sicknesses, and infirmities help Him blot out my transgressions? I’ll tell you what it does for me. Knowing His willingness to “descend below all things” - all my things - softens my heart and earns my trust.  It convinces me to turn to Him with my sins. He has, for me, gained the supreme position of empathy by His act. “Greater love hath no man than this” and surely “we love him because he first loved us.”
No wonder we covenant to always remember. No wonder we partake of broken bread in remembrance of His broken body and water in remembrance of the blood He shed for us. Has it had its full effect on me? Has the price he paid for perfect empathy and opportunity to help me turned my heart and and soul to Him as it should?
And then back to the original question — can my suffering draw me close to others in painful and difficult circumstances? Can the other side of suffering soften my heart too? Can it purchase precious empathy?

Teaching intolerance: fill in the blanks

"I don't see how anyone could like _______, do you?" That’s one way it could start. There are lots of options. Context would reveal that I obviously don’t like whatever it is,...and also (here’s the kicker) that anyone with a different taste is somehow deficient. A nice little wall.
It’s probably only banter, a way of yanking someone’s chain maybe - but it doesn’t happen in a vacuum.
This seemingly harmless phrase is only a half step away from labelling, demeaning, exclusion or bullying. Kids on the playground know that much. You hear it when something someone likes is different. Different from the preferences of the antagonist, and usually at least, the perceived majority of others. Young wrestlers, soccer players, and even very talented musicians, artists, or thespians could receive their first  intimations that different preferences might not be “ok” with others this way. Liking what they like, or pursuing their gift might have social costs.
Did kids learn this exclusive behavior from their parents? Could it have it’s roots in evolutionary biology even?  Diversity of interests among us seems like a very good thing - as we talk about it, but do we really believe it? Or is it easier just to pull for homogeneity? After all, sometimes it seems “everybody is doing it.” Behaviors in societies become contagious - is this ‘difference hazing’ only a natural part of the necessary mechanism? Or is it something - like a cancer - that as it grows threatens the health of the whole?
Now, there are times when norms aren’t merely opinions. Sometimes the norm (and sometimes the exception) carries moral weight and involves either righteousness or wickedness, obedience or disobedience to the laws of God. Then it absolutely matters. Yet even in such weighty matters, the way such influence is asserted should be different. A young Joseph Smith mused “if [his friends] supposed me to be deluded” then they should “have endeavored in a proper and affectionate manner to have reclaimed me,” rather than the persecution he faced to his dying day.
I digress - it’s those things that don’t carry a moral weight that I speak of though. Paul taught of the diversity of gifts and roles in the Kingdom of God saying, “the eye cannot say to the hand, I have no need of thee: nor again the head to the feet.” Exclusion in these scenarios would be literally crippling. Is it any less crippling to our society when we practice (and model) such intolerance upon (or for) the rising generation?

The Shadow of Suffering

It was Friday, April 26th, the day before my 40th birthday. Usually a day filled with joyful anticipation, this time I had a basketball sized knot in my stomach - and it was all because of my goal. I had decided months ago that because my 40th birthday fell on a Saturday, and I’m a little afraid of getting old, that I wanted to go big. I told my family and then my extended family that I was going to run 40 miles to commemorate my 40th birthday. It was fine, I had plenty of time to train.
As it grew closer though, clashes between my schedule and training goals allowed for a comfortable procrastination. I did run 20 miles out of the blue one Saturday - The last five of them were miserable enough that I nearly abandoned my goal right then. I concluded not to decide - then. “Weak and vulnerable moments are no time to be making plans for what you want for the future” I told myself. When my confidence returned I planned runs of 25, 30, and 35 miles on successive Saturdays, assuring myself that the jump from 12 to 20 was what caused my misery to be so profound. That was a month ago now, and none of that had happened. That 20 mile Saturday remained the zenith of my training. Not wanting to give up on my goal so easy though, I began to prepare myself for suffering. I strategized in my mind and began to think of the run as an exploration of my own vulnerability. There is so much suffering out there in the world - so many people going through rough things, perhaps this experience would help me react with more compassion, gain more insight, and appreciate the way that the Lord comes to us in our time of need. I had a cause, and a cause can be even better than training.
Then Alma came to mind. Alma had taught the people in Gideon about the Savior. He taught that Jesus Christ would, “go forth suffering pains and afflictions of every kind”...taking upon Himself “the pains and sicknesses of His people” - all so that He might “know according to the flesh how to succor His people according to their infirmities” (Alma 7:11-14). This is a big deal - and it’s something I had known for a long time. I also understood that sinning with repentance in mind was a terrible and damnable thing, because it is making a mockery of the sacrifice of the Savior and using His suffering recklessly - as a commodity. In short caring, more about one's opportunity to commit sin than the pain and suffering the Savior endured to offer them cleansing from it. Jesus suffered not only for our sins, but also our pains and infirmities. I wondered how He felt about those who willingly submitted themselves to pain and suffering - for recreational or competitive aims. I wondered about the “no pain no gain” and “embrace the grind” type of slogans and what I was to understand about these things from the Savior's perspective. Even He learned obedience through the things He suffered (Hebrews 5:8).  So suffering could be used as a teaching tool - I thought about the pride cycle and the purpose I had found in trails and afflictions that I had suffered. In His efforts not to spoil the child He had not spared the rod. From the scriptural record, I am also convinced that God is not a suffering minimalist. When and how is it authorized as a method though? Is it something man can impose upon himself purposefully and not come under condemnation? Are there specific purposes God would approve of for doing so? “Ye must not perform anything unto the Lord” I remembered reading from Nephi, “save in the first place ye shall pray unto the Father in the name of Christ, that he will consecrate thy performance unto thee, that thy performance may be for the welfare of thy soul” (2 Nephi 32:9). So I asked in prayer, and sought to consecrate the experience to Him - if He would have it. It surprised me a little that I felt He would. I was pleased though, and less nervous. With His sanction, I knew it wouldn’t make it less hard necessarily, but more meaningful and valuable. As I asked, I admitted my lack of training and asked for His help, I found myself promising to take none of the glory for it - I would point to Him.

“I don’t want to wrestle”

The phrase surprised me, but I also understood. On Friday at noon was the final wrestling meet of the year for my 7 year old Jacob. The club has made no bones about this one being THE big deal - the whole year long. I took the day off work, and paid the $20 for a floor pass so that I could be there for him and help coach him. Deana had arranged things too, and paid to get in to support him.
As a back story, Jacob had been excited for wrestling for years. When we finally allowed him to begin wrestling last year, he showed great promise, placing fifth in this same tournament. The last few meets we had been to this year, however, had been hard occasions for Jacob. He had not won the majority of his matches - in fact, on a couple of occasions, he not won a single match. I had entered him in a more difficult division than last year to help him get stiffer competition. It had been hard though, perhaps even damaging to him - especially his confidence.
That’s why I understood. I’d been there before. There was no time for nerves now, however, this was just minutes before his match. We’d arrived at the tournament a little early, watched matches, talked technique, and now we’d just finished our warm up. His objection, stated as meekly as it was, Belied the firmness of his resolve. As I coaxed and encouraged him, however, it escalated into a vociferous refusal by the time he was supposed to take the mat. We were given time, but it was of no avail, and just like that our tournament was over. Then I said it. That dagger of a phrase that I should have had the wisdom to just swallow, “There was only one way you could have disappointed me today, and this was it!”
The words stung as they crossed my lips, yet I reasoned - maybe he needed to hear it. After all, I was in a way reaffirming that winning or losing wasn’t the important outcome here, just doing his best - like we’d always emphasized. As the tournament moved forward and we gathered our stuff and prepared to leave, Jacob’s shouted opposition changed. It was still loud and angry, but now it was that he wanted to wrestle - not leave. I informed him that his opportunity had now passed - they had moved on without him. As he persisted, I told him he could go check with the scores table. Sensing that that might be more than he could muster on his own, I offered to go with him. When he resisted, we made our way to the car. As we drove home, Jacob’s anger returned to focus on me - “you wouldn’t let me wrestle!”
So we went back - just in time, it turns out, to find that he had forfeited his second match and was now truly out of the tournament. They had apparently dropped him down into the consolation bracket instead of withdrawing him the first time. After I verified this with the scores table, I turned to him and said, “sorry buddy, you missed your chance.” Then he broke my heart.
He looked up at me with those great big brown eyes visibly holding back tears, his hand gripping mine tightly and said, “it’s okay dad.”
His response was so different from our communications the last hour - both in tenor and in content. It was clear, what he really wanted had nothing to do with wrestling really, sure he had felt the pressure and been afraid, but more than that - he just wanted to please me.
The unfortunate timing and presentation of these things had cost us money, time, and some embarrassment in the arena, but ultimately he had done nothing to be disappointed about. He had not willfully sinned. With me it was a different story though - I had spoken in haste and wounded my precious boy. I am so grateful for repentance!

Spiritual Autonomy

Nephi writes: "I...do not make a full account of the things which my father hath written, for he hath written many things which he saw in visions and in dreams; and he also hath written many things which he prophesied and spake unto his children, of which I shall not make a full account. But I shall make an account of my proceedings in my days." (1 Nephi 1:16-17)

Nephi doesn't want to simply make a copy of what his father has lived and experienced with regards to the gospel. He wants not only to have his own gospel experiences - to know for himself - but also to record them. One of the starting notes of the Book of Mormon is Nephi's desire to be his own man spiritually - to gain his own relationship with God. It is a manual on how to do so.

Heavenly communication

Lehi receives the same message from both earthly messengers and from a Heavenly Messenger in the fist chapter of the Book of Mormon. Yet, the difference in his response to the two different messengers is remarkable. These earthly messengers are godly men - they are even prophets of the living God. As Lehi receives their message that Jerusalem will be destroyed, he is moved to pray and is filled with concern for his people. Then, when he receives a book from a heavenly messenger in vision and reads of the same destruction, this time he is filled with the Spirit and testifies of and praises the goodness and mercy of God (1 Nephi 1:11-15). This contrast highlights heaven's ability to communicate. Who can prophesy of destruction and overwhelm people with joy but heaven?! Lehi didn't question the message from the prophets, but when he got the same message from heaven it was filled with power and hope - it moved him forward.
The prophets hadn't failed though, they had fully accomplished their mission with him when Lehi prayed - they had sent Him to get it from God. What a great pattern! Nephi, following the same pattern, will gain great and personal knowledge from the God of heaven about His father's dream. As a parent and teacher I need to do all I can to convince people not to take my word for it - but to go to their Father in Heaven and get it from Him!

Seven pillows and a song

When Christi suffers a spasm as a result of her condition, certain muscle groups contract with all their might. For her it is the hamstrings, glutes, adductors, the back of the shoulders, the triceps and the back and left side of the neck. These spasms cause those specific muscles to grow disproportionately strong, and also painful. Not only do they pull the body out of postures of natural musculoskeletal balance, these muscle groups are flooded with lactic acid after a spasm, and each subsequent one then is accompanied by an intense ache. As I struggle to keep her in the proper positions, I got to thinking, what if I am the same way spiritually speaking to God? He watches as I position myself for pain and lovingly molds and corrects my course over and over again to help me avoid the pains for which I am  certainly destined without His intervention. 

The difference however is choice. Christi's spasms are involuntary, she literally hasn't got the ability to keep herself out of such spasms, such painful positions. There are things I can do, however, to help her though - and that's where the pillows and music come in. Currently she is carefully positioned on 7 pillows with music playing. The pillows, 4 under her propped up legs and then 1 each under the head and either arm. Her muscles stay better in an extended position that way and the music, it helps to calm her. 

My painful positions on the other hand, are a result of my choices. Choice of thought, choice of words. Yet he gently guides and shapes me still. He responds when I cry out. What If I couldn't choose though? What if I, like Christi in her current temporary physical situation, was unable to keep myself from pain and suffering because of spiritually damaging and painful positions? Isn't this the experience Nephi's brother Jacob described: 

"...if the flesh should rise no more our spirits must become subject to that angel who fell from before the presence of the Eternal God, and became the devil, to rise no more.

"And our spirits must have become like unto him, and we become devils, angels to a devil, to be shut out from the presence of our God, and to remain with the father of lies, in misery, like unto himself; yea, to that being who beguiled our first parents, who transformeth himself nigh unto an angel of light, and stirreth up the children of men unto secret combinations of murder and all manner of secret works of darkness." (2 Nephi 9:8-9)

Jesus Christ suffered died and rose again on the third day to provide us choice and beacause He has, we may choose Him and exaltation through Him. Had he not risen triumphant from the tomb we would have no hope. 

I am confident that there will be a resolution to Christi's current difficulty with spasms, and I think we are well on the way there now. She will be free from this pain also in eternity - because He rose. 

Let only my resolution be as firm! That because He rose offering me the better choice, that I will take it.