Others' Shoes

 

I brought a couple pair of old dad shoes, but its others' that have left lasting impressions on me here. 

“Hal, when you meet someone, treat them as if they were in serious trouble, and you will be right more than half the time” ("Try, Try, Try," October 2018 GC), President Eyring's branch president had told him once. "He was too low" He'd later learn. 

I don't know any place those particular odds feel higher than here in this hospital. My 9 month-old split-room neighbor - here day after day after day all alone... The young couple in the next room over, fresh, new and full of life, awaiting with medical certainty the end of their baby girl's fight. The family celebrating hospital day 23 - and the second time their now teenage boy would learn to speak his first word. The crouched woman weeping openly in the hallway, or the fast walking man in another hallway desperately trying not to - they've all got stories. Hopeful, heavy, raw, and real.

The staff too. If you ask, you'll find out that most of them came to this line of work because of some deeply impressed family or personal trauma. Now they are here doing what they can to alleviate the pain of others - even if their own still steals sleep from them during their off-duty hours. 

"He was a man of sorrows," Isaiah wrote, "and acquainted with grief... our griefs and ..our sorrows" (53:3-5) 

And while Isaiah writes of how we hide our faces from and despise Him for this - He bore it all so that He might come closer to us then - closer. 

So what of our proximity to others during such times - how do we treat them as if they are in serious trouble? We must love them, see them, and hear them in the name of Him who - instead of just walking a mile in their shoes - would remove them to wash their feet. 

With these thoughts brewing I offered to make breakfast for a father and son this morning in the family room area. They graciously accepted and I toiled away at the stove as they sat together at a table. A few moments later I turned at the sound of heavy coughing to see a slight foreign woman who had come to their side. "Thank you for saving my dad's life" the 10 year old boy said to her. While I don't really fauly myself for paying attention to what was on the stove, it is true that to meet the real needs of the people around me maybe I need to give more attention to opening my eyes.

Can you imagine the delight of our Heavenly Father to both hear and answer the prayer of one of His children to be able to see needs in others of His children so that they might help? He'll help us see their shoes.   

 

Fingers and Toes

It’s certainly not good - but maybe for my standards. I painted Christi’s nails during the 7th day of her hospitals stay. That’s about the threshold of comfort for keeping a person on a ventilator. At least that’s what the doctors told me when they were placing the tube. Now, on the 8th day they’ve just weaned her pressures to 8. She’s doing well enough too. Holding 95% oxygen saturation. At pressures of 6 they can pursue extubation. Complicating What she's recovering from, she has what they call “fragile vasculature” - probably from frequent IVs, her veins often fail to sustain one for very long. When peripheral veins won’t do, their solution is a central line.  Her complicated situation and history makes only one possible location viable. That would compromise that lone avenue enough that they would rather do a port than a line. Something with durable access - at least for a while. Sometimes it’s hard not to feel that medical treatment, as life preserving as it has been for her, might be what takes her in the end. Such unproductive thoughts need to be held at bay though. 

She’s being sedated too - ketamine and precidex are being dripped simultaneously into the current peripheral IVs in both her big toes. It seems a precarious toe-hold on venal access really, but with each toe also recovering gradual flushing fluids, maybe this counts as “dipping your toes in the water” -- like the Levites carrying the arc of the covenant needed to do before the Lord would part the Jordan River providing a pathway into the promised land. The irony that these chapters are our current study in the Old Testament isn’t lost on us. Heavenly Father is such a skilled teacher!

Also relevant is the song I used to sing to Christi in the tune of the theme to Elmo’s world. “Daddy takes me camping, and puts my feet in the stream. That’s daddy’s world” Hospital camping isn’t what we had in mind for the start of our summer this year, but we’ll take it. We trust Him enough to wade in. He'll open the way, He always has. Stand in the river with us and watch. :)

“This stinks!”

Mom would say it while guiding Christi’s hand to smack the bed. Christi would laugh. “Mom gets it. She sees me.” 

It’s hard to honestly. Imagine life without the ability to see, speak, or coordinate movement changes so much of perception. Would I recognize useful discomfort? If not, would I even continue to try?

Christi’s world is sound and touch - and pain. Too often for my heart - lots of pain, especially in situations like this.

We’re in the hospital now because of the two numbers in the bottom of the frame. The first one is too low - it’s a measure of blood oxygenation. If it stays there or continues to drop, damage occurs. The second one is her heart rate and that’s too high. While good for working out, it’s not good or common for sleeping. It’s one of the very few ways she can tell us she needs help.

After tests, scans, labs, and imaging doctors tell us it’s both a virus and a bacterial infection this time. Christi and mom were right, this stinks.

Christi’s care has been steadily escalated to the point where she is now on a ventilator in the ICU. The ventilator really stinks. 

With so many things outside of her control in her life, she guards and prizes the few things she can control. Her own airway was one.

I was her helper too. For over a decade I have slept either on a beanbag outside her door or a foldable mattress pad on her bedroom floor. When she coughed or struggled I could hop up and help her clear secretions. I'm not allowed that now either. That stinks

"And...the master of the vineyard went forth, and saw that his olive tree began to decay; and he said: I will prune it, and dig about it, and nourish it, that perhaps it may shoot forth young and tender branches, and it perish not." (Jacob 5:4)

Nourishing Nephite olive trees meant "dunging" them - loosening the soil around the base of the tree and mixing in manure. Manure stinks - but it also helps the tree get the nutrients it needs to grow.

Christi is relentless though, and that's what gets to me. She knows from countless trials that when she coughs, I catch what she coughs up with the plastic catheter tip and then pull it out of her mouth - she get her airway back with my thanks and a kiss on her cheek. So she's been coughing and coughing and chomping down on the rigid plastic that has taken her airway from her. Does she understand when I tell her? Does she get that it's meant to help, or just that it stinks? As I hold her hand and watch as her body tenses and her breathing quickens I wonder.

I believe in a loving Father in Heaven who is the Master of the vineyard of our souls. He adds enriching and nourishing elements to each of His precious children's soil blessing them with surroundings and circumstances that, like manure, just plain stink. 

I also know He provides personal and meaningful comfort and help through His Only Begotten Son. And while I am eternally grateful for His ministry to me in my need, I might be even more grateful for His ministry to her. He gets it. Like no one else can, He sees - and helps her. So grateful!  

Writing here to hear

"Now that they're home what'll I do?" It was a brief thought crossing my mind as Emma returned from her mission. Of course there were a lot of other blissfully joyful feelings too - I love that girl like crazy! But, for a total of three and a half years I'd nurtured the habit of these weekly emails. I'd carved out a great niche for myself too - one that I not only really enjoyed, but it was also really beneficial to me also. I found that I learned better when I'd write things out. Not the lone and perhaps not the most altruistic reason for writing emails - it was nevertheless a pleasant side benefit I'd noticed. Deana would write each week with the update on happenings at home, and I got to write the spiritual thought as it were. That was my niche, and something about it, whether it was the longer time it took to write - or the elevated status a thought claims when care enough is given to it to write about it - there always seemed to be additional revelation that came to be added to garnish the initial thoughts often times attaching scriptures and prophetic quotes to the things I'd been thinking. Elder Richard G. Scott reported an incremental revelatory experience of His own once in General Conference. He said: 

"One Sunday I attended the priesthood meeting of a Spanish branch in Mexico City. I vividly recall how a humble Mexican priesthood leader struggled to communicate the truths of the gospel in his lesson material. I noted the intense desire he had to share those principles he strongly valued with his quorum members. He recognized that they were of great worth to the brethren present. In his manner there was an evidence of a pure love of the Savior and love of those he taught.

"His sincerity, purity of intent, and love permitted a spiritual strength to envelop the room. I was deeply touched. Then I began to receive personal impressions as an extension of the principles taught by that humble instructor. They were personal and related to my assignments in the area. They came in answer to my prolonged, prayerful efforts to learn.

"As each impression came, I carefully wrote it down. In the process, I was given precious truths that I greatly needed in order to be a more effective servant of the Lord. The details of the communication are sacred and, like a patriarchal blessing, were for my individual benefit. I was given specific directions, instructions, and conditioned promises that have beneficially altered the course of my life.

"Subsequently, I visited the Sunday School class in our ward, where a very well-educated teacher presented his lesson. That experience was in striking contrast to the one enjoyed in the priesthood meeting. It seemed to me that the instructor had purposely chosen obscure references and unusual examples to illustrate the principles of the lesson. I had the distinct impression that this instructor was using the teaching opportunity to impress the class with his vast store of knowledge. At any rate, he certainly did not seem as intent on communicating principles as had the humble priesthood leader.

"In that environment, strong impressions began to flow to me again. I wrote them down. The message included specific counsel on how to become more effective as an instrument in the hands of the Lord. I received such an outpouring of impressions that were so personal that I felt it was not appropriate to record them in the midst of a Sunday School class. I sought a more private location, where I continued to write the feelings that flooded into my mind and heart as faithfully as possible. After each powerful impression was recorded, I pondered the feelings I had received to determine if I had accurately expressed them in writing. As a result, I made a few minor changes to what had been written. Then I studied their meaning and application in my own life.

"Subsequently I prayed, reviewing with the Lord what I thought I had been taught by the Spirit. When a feeling of peace came, I thanked Him for the guidance given. I was then impressed to ask, 'Is there yet more to be given?' I received further impressions, and the process of writing down the impressions, pondering, and praying for confirmation was repeated. Again I was prompted to ask, 'Is there more I should know?' And there was. When that last, most sacred experience was concluded, I had received some of the most precious, specific, personal direction one could hope to obtain in this life. Had I not responded to the first impressions and recorded them, I would not have received the last, most precious guidance.

"What I have described is not an isolated experience" ("To Acquire Spiritual Guidance," October 2009).

Among the lessons that could be drawn from his experience is the aid carefully recording revelation is to the process of receiving and understanding the Lord's mind and will. What might he have missed had he decided either not to write - or not to ask? Kind of like a personal interview with God, Elder Scott had taken advantage of the moment and shown true appreciation for what he'd received. 

This might be the place for that opportunity now for me - not all of it, because some things may be private - but this blog will at least serve as a replacement to my missionary emails for now. I wonder -- was it that way with the prophets of old also as they carefully transcribed the truths God would teach them?

In an age of the world when it is so very important to be growing in the spirit of revelation, I am more than grateful for the way a loving Heavenly Father has beckoned me to these conversations through writing. President Dallin H. Oaks, in a recent BYU devotional, quoted President Nelson's oft repeated prophecy saying: 

"I feel to emphasize the warning President Russell M. Nelson issued us: that 'in coming days, it will not be possible to survive spiritually without the guiding, directing, comforting, and constant influence of the Holy Ghost.' One of the many reasons you will need the constant influence of the Holy Ghost is that you live in a season in which the adversary has become so effective at disguising truth that if you don’t have the Holy Ghost, you will be deceived. Many obstacles lie ahead. The distractions will be many" ("Coming Closer to Jesus Christ," February 10, 2026).

Prophets quoting prophets -- must be important! That we all may survive, thrive, and avoid the deception characteristic of our day because of the patterns we have cultivated to hear, recognize, and give heed to the loving guiding words of our loving Father in Heaven.   

 

Enoch, Brock, Braeden, ...and me

It was easy to cheer for the other guy. That's kind of hard for me to say regarding anybody on Penn State's wrestling roster ever. As you may know, I'm a die-hard fan. I just think they're doing things right. Coach Cael Sanderson has infused powerful gospel principles into the daily trainings of what has become his wrestling dynasty. I could spend a lot more time talking about that (I know I have before and probably will later), but I digress. The wrestler I am talking about is Braeden Davis. This last week he faced off against local boy Brock Hardy who wrestles for the Nebraska Cornhuskers now. Brock is a returned missionary who took 2nd place at the NCAA finals last year. Good local guy, faithful member, husband, and fellow bald guy even. Ranked #4 this year, he was the favorite too. Braeden, on the other hand, has a difficult history. He took 5th last year at NCAAs down at a lower weight. Then less than a week later a fraternity on campus called the police on him because he refused to leave. The police found him there with around 3x the legal blood alcohol limit. He had tried to run from and then wrestle his way free from them. It made national headlines -- at least among the wrestling community anyway. Right on the heels of his team's historic record setting NCAA victory, the news kind of soaked up the headlines and left a bad taste in fan's mouths. "Did this guy even fit @ Penn State??" "Why do they even keep him around?" "Can't they replace him with someone who aligns with their values better?!"

This year, it looked like Braeden would be buried in the lineup a little - right up until the the guy in front of him suffered a tragic season ending injury. It became obvious that he was the weak spot in the lineup when he was the only Penn State wrestler to lose at their rivalry dual against Iowa. It was only a 3-2 loss, but it was the lone blemish on what would have been a stunning shutout. ...Ok, ok, I'll try to get to the point before I put you to sleep 😊. Back to this week's dual: Braeden vs. Brock, public drunkenness guy vs. returned missionary. Braeden came out firing and by the end of the first period he had taken Brock down twice and led 6-2. He was in control and going to secure the upset! Then it happened, midway through the 3rd round he shot in to take Brock down again, got lazy on the finish and got caught in a cradle and pinned! Brock patted him on the chest twice as he got up -- and that was too much for Braeden. I can only imagine the preparation, the anticipation, that had been building in him over the course of weeks and months - and now the elation over the course of this match. This could have been the beginning of his redemption to the legions of fans that had front row seats to his embarrassment just 10 months ago! To have it all snuffed out in an instant - and this way?! ...His leg was still in the air from the move that had ended his night when the rage settled in - he kicked it aggressively at Brock sending him sprawling, jumping to his feet, he then got in Brock's face.  It cost his team a point for unsportsmanlike conduct (they still won by an impressive margin though), and grabbed the headlines once again. Embarrassed of him, the same questions began to surface for me again. "Can't we just get rid of this guy? He really just doesn't belong!"

Enoch, in the bosom of the Father looked on the broad expanse of His creations and his mind reeled! Then,

"it came to pass that the God of heaven looked upon the residue of the people, and he wept; and Enoch bore record of it, saying: How is it that the heavens weep, and shed forth their tears as the rain upon the mountains?

And Enoch said unto the Lord: How is it that thou canst weep, seeing thou art holy, and from all eternity to all eternity?

And were it possible that man could number the particles of the earth, yea, millions of earths like this, it would not be a beginning to the number of thy creations; and thy curtains are stretched out still; and yet thou art there, and thy bosom is there; and also thou art just; thou art merciful and kind forever;" (Moses 7:28-30)

Wait! What?! How could God be crying? Then God shows him: 

"And it came to pass that the Lord spake unto Enoch, and told Enoch all the doings of the children of men; wherefore Enoch knew, and looked upon their wickedness, and their misery, and wept and stretched forth his arms, and his heart swelled wide as eternity; and his bowels yearned; and all eternity shook... And as Enoch saw this, he had bitterness of soul, and wept over his brethren, and said unto the heavens: I will refuse to be comforted." (Moses 7:41, 44) 

Within the lifetime of Adam and Eve, they watched great multitudes of their children turn away from the God they know and love. They saw them turn to unspeakable depravity, to murders and to misery. They had been alive long enough to see the preface to Noah's day even - when the world was so wicked that it needed to be cleansed by flood.

"And [Enoch] beheld Satan; and he had a great chain in his hand, and it veiled the whole face of the earth with darkness; and he looked up and laughed, and his angels rejoiced." (Moses 7:26)

Can you imagine how haunting that vision must have been? To hear the Devil laugh at the bondage and misery he inflicts upon must make for an incredibly stark contrast to the weeping of the Father. How could these children of Adam chosen to love such a being?

I don't know why it took so long, but today in Sunday school it finally occurred to me to connect the two stories I've been telling here. As we studied the Fall of Adam and Eve and discussed the consequences thereof, I recognized that "fall" is the precise technical term for a pin in wrestling. How ironic - that Braeden should go down that way! How symbolic  ...of me. 

I know the Fall of man, the decision of Adam and Eve made, was necessary. It brings many important and wonderful consequences to us. I also have a testimony of the depravity, the weakness, the corruption, temptation, disease, sufferings, and death that are results of the Fall. It is a fall forward, but also downward. On a personal level, I know very well "the sin that doth so easily beset [me]" (see Hebrews 12:1; 2 Nephi 4:18; Alma 7:15) the very real and personal effects of living in a fallen world. "Can't we just get rid of this guy? He really just doesn't belong!" -- it could be said of me. 

At the beginning of Enoch's story, he lamented that he was "slow of speech" ... "and all the people hate me" he added. Now looking at the misery and rebellion on the earth,

"[Enoch] cried unto the Lord, saying: When shall the day of the Lord come? When shall the blood of the Righteous be shed, that all they that mourn may be sanctified and have eternal life?

And the Lord said: It shall be in the meridian of time, in the days of wickedness and vengeance.

And behold, Enoch saw the day of the coming of the Son of Man, even in the flesh; and his soul rejoiced, saying: The Righteous is lifted up, and the Lamb is slain from the foundation of the world; and through faith I am in the bosom of the Father, and behold, Zion is with me." (Moses 7:45-47)

The only hope for me, you, Braeden Davis, and people everywhere is Jesus Christ! He is more than our best friend in Heaven. He is our Redeemer! And, Oh! how we need redemption! He is more than a distant picture of perfection - He is Immanuel, God with us! When we weep, we never weep alone. God and His heavens sorrow with us even if we have brought those very sorrows upon ourselves through rejecting Him and his beautiful Plan of Redemption. Rejoicing in Him together is SO warranted! What a great opportunity we have to share such good news! Hurrah for Israel and especially Israel's God! The Braeden in me needs Him so desperately! Maybe I can even cheer for Braeden and hope he sticks around long enough to be changed by his time at Penn State -- the way you and I hope the friends we invite to church will hang around this community of believers long enough to be transformed. Maybe that's how Zion - a people united in mind and heart with no poor among them - can actually come to be.

For Zion

"But the laborer in Zion shall labor for Zion; for if they labor for money they shall perish." (2 Nephi 26:31, emphasis added) 

One of the questions on the get to know you sheets that I'd pass around to my students asks what kind of a profession they would like to pursue. Sometimes I'd get answers like "rich" -- and that always reminds me of the scripture above. Pursuing this truth there are a couple questions that need answering: What does it mean to labor for Zion as opposed to for money? Does this mean we are to refuse payment? What does it mean to perish? There are plenty of wealthy people who seem to have sought it with a determined and singular approach just fine. 

Zion can be defined a few ways scripturally: a chosen land (D&C 58:49-50), the Lord's people (Moses 7:18), and a state of heart (D&C 97:21). I think the latter two definitions are most helpful for understanding this scripture.

The Lord describes the people He calls Zion as being of one heart and mind and dwelling together in righteousness without any poor among them. This society is interested enough in each others welfare that poverty is eliminated. Their interest in unity has overcome all selfish interests. To labor for that kind of Zion would require someone to buck the one of the prevailing trends in of our current day: profits over progress. It has been demonstrated over and over to the observant citizen, that large and wealthy industries and the share holders within them are more interested in preserving and enlarging their profits than they are in benefitting human kind. The oil industries repeated killing of alternative fuel vehicle startups is only one of a tidal wave of examples. In a capitalist market, without moral discipline, money becomes God. On a personal level, the laborer in Zion's own drive for personal enrichment would have to be checked by the desire to lift and bless all others in his society. His yearning to lift them would emerge instead of just his desire to lift his own household above theirs. Maybe that's what his heart needs to be purified of - the pride of one-up-man-ship. 

Do I really labor for Zion? Am I really seeking to lift and change my society for the better with my efforts? Or is it only a means to the end that is my paycheck? While it is a natural and God-given inclination to support those within one's stewardship. To do so in a way that genuinely lifts all others - and for that to be one's true motivation seems to be much more noble than racing rats. Perhaps it comes only as we broaden our understanding of our stewardships - to include our communities - that we begin to care enough to approach Zion.    

The Responsibility to Provide

 

"By divine design, fathers.. are responsible to provide the necessities of life.. for their families." (The Family Proclamation) I read a book a few years back that claimed the human form was, among other living animals, the best suited of them all -- for distance running. Aspects of human anatomy like the achilles tendon, the presence of an independent diaphram, and our upright stature were cited as distinctly advantageous. These allowed certain tribesman to persistence hunt antelope across the African savanna. Not able to match their speed, the hunters would track their prey on the run, catching up to them just before they recovered over and over until they were too exhausted to flee. Physical form had prepared the way. There are, of course, many other things the our physical form could be uniquely gifted at and prepared for. We were created in the image of an all-powerful Father and Mother. 

What about the design of our spirits? What could it mean that fathers were designed to meet the responsibilities of providing for families? Are there certain pieces of our spiritual anatomy that predispose us? Certain interests or capacities that persuade us? I remember hearing that the motives of providing, presiding, and protecting are played upon generously by video game producers interested in enticing young men. That seems to make sense. Perhaps less familiar with spiritual than physical anatomy, I digress.

At lunch with Mark Schultz olympic champion and then coach of the BYU wrestling team, he asked me what I planned to pursue as a potential career field. My less than convincing answer belied my indecision. I was young, and figured I had time yet to decide the pursuit I would be giving over a quarter of the waking hours of my adult life to. He asked what my dad did for work. When I told him he was a school teacher, he assured me that I would likely find something lucrative - most he knew that grow up in such scarcity did. The thing is, I didn't really feel like I had grown up in scarcity. I did notice we didn't live in luxury, but I don't think I cared much, then or now. His confidence in my future prosperity was memorable enough for that day.          

Attending various class reunions and other adult gatherings over the years have left me with the impression that there is an underlying belief that net worth and actual worth are in fact correlated. That is, in my opinion, a specifically potent poisonous position.

What about the potential of job loss? What about the conflicts that may arise between climbing the corporate ladder and being there for family? If the numbers in my bank account are growing shouldn't I be growing happier and happier too? 

Remember, the worth of souls is great in the sight of God (See D&C 18:10,15-16). It is His work and His glory to bring to pass their immortality and eternal life (See Moses 1:39). He who possesses all things cares most about His children - their growth and progression. To become like Him and qualify for the promised blessing of all that He hath, they must learn to prize what He prizes too.   

"...[T]he riches of the earth are mine to give;" the Lord told the early Saints of this dispensation, "but beware of pride, lest ye become as the Nephites of old." (D&C 38:39) 

Because they are His to give, seeking them to his exclusion makes little sense. Even in this small verse it is evident that he is much more concerned with the soul than the pocketbook.

"Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth," the Lord's voice echoes from the mount, "where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal: For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also" (Matt. 6:19-21).

In the Book of Mormon the wearing of costly apparel is always the companion of the prideful mistreatment of others and a precursor to destruction. 

Timothy taught that,

"...[T]he love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows" (1Timothy 6:10). 

Causing God's children to err from their faith in Him and pierce themselves through with sorrow is the obvious work of the devil who seeketh to make all men miserable like unto himself. He lurks around this divine responsibility to provide as nearly as the river of filthy water follows the path to the Tree of Life.

The Father doesn't cede the territory though, He asks us for an invitation into our career fields and financial pursuits saying:

"Cry unto [me] over the crops of your fields, that ye may prosper in them. Cry over the flocks of your fields, that they may increase" (Alma 34:24-25).  

He comes both to generously bless and carefully protect those who invite His influence into their labors.

To the early Nephites, the Lord gave this counsel and promise: 

"But before ye seek for riches, seek ye for the kingdom of God. And after ye have obtained a hope in Christ ye shall obtain riches, if ye seek them; and ye will seek them for the intent to do good--to clothe the naked, and to feed the hungry, and to liberate the captive, and administer relief to the sick and the afflicted." (Jacob 2:18-19)  

I remember wondering what exactly the Lord meant by "obtain a hope in Christ." I've come to conclude that it has to do with the hope of a glorious resurrection in and through Him because the course of life I am pursuing is carefully aligned with His will. It is a change in me that makes me more concerned about others than my own financial bounty. Wealth is a means for the expression of that changed heart and not the object of it. The firmly changed heart magnifies the good in the gift while honoring and delighting the giver. United in purpose, they may become an agent of the Father for the fulfillment of His purposes on earth.