Enoch, Brock, Braeden, ...and me

It was easy to cheer for the other guy. That's kind of hard for me to say regarding anybody on Penn State's wrestling roster ever. As you may know, I'm a die-hard fan. I just think they're doing things right. Coach Cael Sanderson has infused powerful gospel principles into the daily trainings of what has become his wrestling dynasty. I could spend a lot more time talking about that (I know I have before and probably will later), but I digress. The wrestler I am talking about is Braeden Davis. This last week he faced off against local boy Brock Hardy who wrestles for the Nebraska Cornhuskers now. Brock is a returned missionary who took 2nd place at the NCAA finals last year. Good local guy, faithful member, husband, and fellow bald guy even. Ranked #4 this year, he was the favorite too. Braeden, on the other hand, has a difficult history. He took 5th last year at NCAAs down at a lower weight. Then less than a week later a fraternity on campus called the police on him because he refused to leave. The police found him there with around 3x the legal blood alcohol limit. He had tried to run from and then wrestle his way free from them. It made national headlines -- at least among the wrestling community anyway. Right on the heels of his team's historic record setting NCAA victory, the news kind of soaked up the headlines and left a bad taste in fan's mouths. "Did this guy even fit @ Penn State??" "Why do they even keep him around?" "Can't they replace him with someone who aligns with their values better?!"

This year, it looked like Braeden would be buried in the lineup a little - right up until the the guy in front of him suffered a tragic season ending injury. It became obvious that he was the weak spot in the lineup when he was the only Penn State wrestler to lose at their rivalry dual against Iowa. It was only a 3-2 loss, but it was the lone blemish on what would have been a stunning shutout. ...Ok, ok, I'll try to get to the point before I put you to sleep 😊. Back to this week's dual: Braeden vs. Brock, public drunkenness guy vs. returned missionary. Braeden came out firing and by the end of the first period he had taken Brock down twice and led 6-2. He was in control and going to secure the upset! Then it happened, midway through the 3rd round he shot in to take Brock down again, got lazy on the finish and got caught in a cradle and pinned! Brock patted him on the chest twice as he got up -- and that was too much for Braeden. I can only imagine the preparation, the anticipation, that had been building in him over the course of weeks and months - and now the elation over the course of this match. This could have been the beginning of his redemption to the legions of fans that had front row seats to his embarrassment just 10 months ago! To have it all snuffed out in an instant - and this way?! ...His leg was still in the air from the move that had ended his night when the rage settled in - he kicked it aggressively at Brock sending him sprawling, jumping to his feet, he then got in Brock's face.  It cost his team a point for unsportsmanlike conduct (they still won by an impressive margin though), and grabbed the headlines once again. Embarrassed of him, the same questions began to surface for me again. "Can't we just get rid of this guy? He really just doesn't belong!"

Enoch, in the bosom of the Father looked on the broad expanse of His creations and his mind reeled! Then,

"it came to pass that the God of heaven looked upon the residue of the people, and he wept; and Enoch bore record of it, saying: How is it that the heavens weep, and shed forth their tears as the rain upon the mountains?

And Enoch said unto the Lord: How is it that thou canst weep, seeing thou art holy, and from all eternity to all eternity?

And were it possible that man could number the particles of the earth, yea, millions of earths like this, it would not be a beginning to the number of thy creations; and thy curtains are stretched out still; and yet thou art there, and thy bosom is there; and also thou art just; thou art merciful and kind forever;" (Moses 7:28-30)

Wait! What?! How could God be crying? Then God shows him: 

"And it came to pass that the Lord spake unto Enoch, and told Enoch all the doings of the children of men; wherefore Enoch knew, and looked upon their wickedness, and their misery, and wept and stretched forth his arms, and his heart swelled wide as eternity; and his bowels yearned; and all eternity shook... And as Enoch saw this, he had bitterness of soul, and wept over his brethren, and said unto the heavens: I will refuse to be comforted." (Moses 7:41, 44) 

Within the lifetime of Adam and Eve, they watched great multitudes of their children turn away from the God they know and love. They saw them turn to unspeakable depravity, to murders and to misery. They had been alive long enough to see the preface to Noah's day even - when the world was so wicked that it needed to be cleansed by flood.

"And [Enoch] beheld Satan; and he had a great chain in his hand, and it veiled the whole face of the earth with darkness; and he looked up and laughed, and his angels rejoiced." (Moses 7:26)

Can you imagine how haunting that vision must have been? To hear the Devil laugh at the bondage and misery he inflicts upon must make for an incredibly stark contrast to the weeping of the Father. How could these children of Adam chosen to love such a being?

I don't know why it took so long, but today in Sunday school it finally occurred to me to connect the two stories I've been telling here. As we studied the Fall of Adam and Eve and discussed the consequences thereof, I recognized that "fall" is the precise technical term for a pin in wrestling. How ironic - that Braeden should go down that way! How symbolic  ...of me. 

I know the Fall of man, the decision of Adam and Eve made, was necessary. It brings many important and wonderful consequences to us. I also have a testimony of the depravity, the weakness, the corruption, temptation, disease, sufferings, and death that are results of the Fall. It is a fall forward, but also downward. On a personal level, I know very well "the sin that doth so easily beset [me]" (see Hebrews 12:1; 2 Nephi 4:18; Alma 7:15) the very real and personal effects of living in a fallen world. "Can't we just get rid of this guy? He really just doesn't belong!" -- it could be said of me. 

At the beginning of Enoch's story, he lamented that he was "slow of speech" ... "and all the people hate me" he added. Now looking at the misery and rebellion on the earth,

"[Enoch] cried unto the Lord, saying: When shall the day of the Lord come? When shall the blood of the Righteous be shed, that all they that mourn may be sanctified and have eternal life?

And the Lord said: It shall be in the meridian of time, in the days of wickedness and vengeance.

And behold, Enoch saw the day of the coming of the Son of Man, even in the flesh; and his soul rejoiced, saying: The Righteous is lifted up, and the Lamb is slain from the foundation of the world; and through faith I am in the bosom of the Father, and behold, Zion is with me." (Moses 7:45-47)

The only hope for me, you, Braeden Davis, and people everywhere is Jesus Christ! He is more than our best friend in Heaven. He is our Redeemer! And, Oh! how we need redemption! He is more than a distant picture of perfection - He is Immanuel, God with us! When we weep, we never weep alone. God and His heavens sorrow with us even if we have brought those very sorrows upon ourselves through rejecting Him and his beautiful Plan of Redemption. Rejoicing in Him together is SO warranted! What a great opportunity we have to share such good news! Hurrah for Israel and especially Israel's God! The Braeden in me needs Him so desperately! Maybe I can even cheer for Braeden and hope he sticks around long enough to be changed by his time at Penn State -- the way you and I hope the friends we invite to church will hang around this community of believers long enough to be transformed. Maybe that's how Zion - a people united in mind and heart with no poor among them - can actually come to be.

For Zion

"But the laborer in Zion shall labor for Zion; for if they labor for money they shall perish." (2 Nephi 26:31, emphasis added) 

One of the questions on the get to know you sheets that I'd pass around to my students asks what kind of a profession they would like to pursue. Sometimes I'd get answers like "rich" -- and that always reminds me of the scripture above. Pursuing this truth there are a couple questions that need answering: What does it mean to labor for Zion as opposed to for money? Does this mean we are to refuse payment? What does it mean to perish? There are plenty of wealthy people who seem to have sought it with a determined and singular approach just fine. 

Zion can be defined a few ways scripturally: a chosen land (D&C 58:49-50), the Lord's people (Moses 7:18), and a state of heart (D&C 97:21). I think the latter two definitions are most helpful for understanding this scripture.

The Lord describes the people He calls Zion as being of one heart and mind and dwelling together in righteousness without any poor among them. This society is interested enough in each others welfare that poverty is eliminated. Their interest in unity has overcome all selfish interests. To labor for that kind of Zion would require someone to buck the one of the prevailing trends in of our current day: profits over progress. It has been demonstrated over and over to the observant citizen, that large and wealthy industries and the share holders within them are more interested in preserving and enlarging their profits than they are in benefitting human kind. The oil industries repeated killing of alternative fuel vehicle startups is only one of a tidal wave of examples. In a capitalist market, without moral discipline, money becomes God. On a personal level, the laborer in Zion's own drive for personal enrichment would have to be checked by the desire to lift and bless all others in his society. His yearning to lift them would emerge instead of just his desire to lift his own household above theirs. Maybe that's what his heart needs to be purified of - the pride of one-up-man-ship. 

Do I really labor for Zion? Am I really seeking to lift and change my society for the better with my efforts? Or is it only a means to the end that is my paycheck? While it is a natural and God-given inclination to support those within one's stewardship. To do so in a way that genuinely lifts all others - and for that to be one's true motivation seems to be much more noble than racing rats. Perhaps it comes only as we broaden our understanding of our stewardships - to include our communities - that we begin to care enough to approach Zion.    

The Responsibility to Provide

 

"By divine design, fathers.. are responsible to provide the necessities of life.. for their families." (The Family Proclamation) I read a book a few years back that claimed the human form was, among other living animals, the best suited of them all -- for distance running. Aspects of human anatomy like the achilles tendon, the presence of an independent diaphram, and our upright stature were cited as distinctly advantageous. These allowed certain tribesman to persistence hunt antelope across the African savanna. Not able to match their speed, the hunters would track their prey on the run, catching up to them just before they recovered over and over until they were too exhausted to flee. Physical form had prepared the way. There are, of course, many other things the our physical form could be uniquely gifted at and prepared for. We were created in the image of an all-powerful Father and Mother. 

What about the design of our spirits? What could it mean that fathers were designed to meet the responsibilities of providing for families? Are there certain pieces of our spiritual anatomy that predispose us? Certain interests or capacities that persuade us? I remember hearing that the motives of providing, presiding, and protecting are played upon generously by video game producers interested in enticing young men. That seems to make sense. Perhaps less familiar with spiritual than physical anatomy, I digress.

At lunch with Mark Schultz olympic champion and then coach of the BYU wrestling team, he asked me what I planned to pursue as a potential career field. My less than convincing answer belied my indecision. I was young, and figured I had time yet to decide the pursuit I would be giving over a quarter of the waking hours of my adult life to. He asked what my dad did for work. When I told him he was a school teacher, he assured me that I would likely find something lucrative - most he knew that grow up in such scarcity did. The thing is, I didn't really feel like I had grown up in scarcity. I did notice we didn't live in luxury, but I don't think I cared much, then or now. His confidence in my future prosperity was memorable enough for that day.          

Attending various class reunions and other adult gatherings over the years have left me with the impression that there is an underlying belief that net worth and actual worth are in fact correlated. That is, in my opinion, a specifically potent poisonous position.

What about the potential of job loss? What about the conflicts that may arise between climbing the corporate ladder and being there for family? If the numbers in my bank account are growing shouldn't I be growing happier and happier too? 

Remember, the worth of souls is great in the sight of God (See D&C 18:10,15-16). It is His work and His glory to bring to pass their immortality and eternal life (See Moses 1:39). He who possesses all things cares most about His children - their growth and progression. To become like Him and qualify for the promised blessing of all that He hath, they must learn to prize what He prizes too.   

"...[T]he riches of the earth are mine to give;" the Lord told the early Saints of this dispensation, "but beware of pride, lest ye become as the Nephites of old." (D&C 38:39) 

Because they are His to give, seeking them to his exclusion makes little sense. Even in this small verse it is evident that he is much more concerned with the soul than the pocketbook.

"Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth," the Lord's voice echoes from the mount, "where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal: For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also" (Matt. 6:19-21).

In the Book of Mormon the wearing of costly apparel is always the companion of the prideful mistreatment of others and a precursor to destruction. 

Timothy taught that,

"...[T]he love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows" (1Timothy 6:10). 

Causing God's children to err from their faith in Him and pierce themselves through with sorrow is the obvious work of the devil who seeketh to make all men miserable like unto himself. He lurks around this divine responsibility to provide as nearly as the river of filthy water follows the path to the Tree of Life.

The Father doesn't cede the territory though, He asks us for an invitation into our career fields and financial pursuits saying:

"Cry unto [me] over the crops of your fields, that ye may prosper in them. Cry over the flocks of your fields, that they may increase" (Alma 34:24-25).  

He comes both to generously bless and carefully protect those who invite His influence into their labors.

To the early Nephites, the Lord gave this counsel and promise: 

"But before ye seek for riches, seek ye for the kingdom of God. And after ye have obtained a hope in Christ ye shall obtain riches, if ye seek them; and ye will seek them for the intent to do good--to clothe the naked, and to feed the hungry, and to liberate the captive, and administer relief to the sick and the afflicted." (Jacob 2:18-19)  

I remember wondering what exactly the Lord meant by "obtain a hope in Christ." I've come to conclude that it has to do with the hope of a glorious resurrection in and through Him because the course of life I am pursuing is carefully aligned with His will. It is a change in me that makes me more concerned about others than my own financial bounty. Wealth is a means for the expression of that changed heart and not the object of it. The firmly changed heart magnifies the good in the gift while honoring and delighting the giver. United in purpose, they may become an agent of the Father for the fulfillment of His purposes on earth. 

Maybe I'm Charlie Brown...

One of the most challenging things I consistently face in this life is loneliness. Ironically, I don't think I'm alone in this.

In elementary school I recognized that the word "weird" was just my name spelled backward with a lonely looking "I" standing in the middle of it. My mom assures me that she and my dad weren't trying to send me that message when they chose my name. She also assured me, over and over, that normal really wasn't what I should be shooting for anyway. Different wasn't just ok, it was desirable.

In junior high, some of my closest "friends" decided that they would spread a rumor that I was gay if I didn't do like they did and get a girlfriend. The thought of such a label terrified me, but so did romantically pursuing some seventh grade girl. I was doomed... and then Diana asked. We "dated" just long enough to placate peer pressure, then it was over. I can still feel the awkwardness of the whole situation now as I recount it.

Since then my memory convinces me at times that I have stood alone more often than not. It might not really be true though. Then there was tonight. After a lonely couple days, feelings of abandonment by my students, and the pressure of hard conversations and faculty dynamics had peaked, an afterwork nap on the couch seemed the appropriate recourse. I awoke to an embarrassing phone call. I had forgotten the adaptive needs sports team that I was going to grill for at the school! I was late, and they were trying to make due without the services that I had promised. Hustling as hard as I could with my tail so deep between my legs I rushed and risked to undo the shameful abandonment I was guilty of. Through it all -- she was there and that made all the difference. 

So, between junior high and now the Lord saw fit to bless my loneliness with the most beautiful and wonderful red-headed lady the world may ever know. On this occasion she anxiously helped me throw things together in my embarrassed rush, she called over and over at the most inopportune times, and ultimately just came and stood by my embarrassed side in the high school lunchroom -- with me - in support. 

I'll be forever grateful for the God who knows me so well that He knows exactly how to run to my aid in every time of need including this one. I'm also grateful for the beautiful little redheaded girl that was His hastening feet today.        

Seeking Home

Should others know?

It's been an interesting experience telling people about our plans. This post isn't about how they came about, or what they even are, but more the learning experience that this process has been. 

Deana and I noticed that people respond in a few different ways to the news that the state Home Builders Association (HBA) is demolishing our house and building a new one for the purpose of helping us improve Christi's quality of life. In the eyes of some we will see genuine joy mirrored as we rejoice together, in the eyes of others there is less excitement. I think I understand it too - we certainly don't deserve it. 

We know of so many others with such difficult circumstances and no such calvary coming to their rescue. Why us? We ask it too. Some of these interactions became awkward enough that we - and that's significant, because my wife is much more socially adept than I am - decided to quit telling new people about it. In the discomfort of our obvious unworthiness, we even contemplated declining the offer.

I heard on the news this morning that one of the worlds wealthiest men, Elon Musk, was paying $1 million to a few lucky voters in Wisconsin if they'd sign a petition for a particular candidate for the state supreme court. So there are certainly more frivolous expenditures and promises, and more dubious ways of spending even large amounts of money. Unlike that, however, this effort has nothing to do with the political influence of a multi-billionaire and it doesn't really come from deep pockets at all. Steve, our contact with the HBA, asked us to create a slideshow to introduce people to Christi and her needs. He's been showing it at various meetings for over a year now, soliciting donations. I wonder how many people have become familiar with our faces through his presentations without ever meeting us. Would it make for an awkward passing in a super Walmart when only one of us recognizes the other? Would it be more awkward if I were wearing sweatpants and a stained shirt and scolding one of my kids at the time? We are unworthy.

Are we supposed to feel unworthy? 

When Jesus asked Simon Peter to cast out for a drought and subsequently filled his and his compatriot's boats to the sinking point with fishes, Peter responded saying, "Depart from me; for I am a sinful man, O Lord." (Luke 5:8) That could have been the end of the story had Jesus obliged. He didn't though, He had other things in mind for those fishermen. When Jesus appeared to the Nephites in the land Bountiful after His resurrection, their growing realization of who He is culminates with the combined exclamation "Hosanna!" or "Save us now!" (3 Nephi 11:17) In recognizing the incredible goodness, power, and holiness of their resurrected Savior, Jesus Christ, and having personally felt the wounds in His hands, feet, and side they must have known and felt it was for them. And because they each had their individual opportunity for this personal experience - they must have felt it individually too. Like Elder Renlund shared of a woman who had been overlooked in the administration of the sacrament in her ward:

   "One Sunday, as [Diane] sat in the congregation, the layout of the chapel made it so that the deacon did not see her as the sacrament was passed. Diane was disappointed but said nothing. Another member noted the omission and mentioned it to the branch president after the meeting. As Sunday School began, Diane was invited to an empty classroom. 

   A priesthood holder came in. He knelt down, blessed some bread, and handed her a piece. She ate it. He knelt down again and blessed some water and handed her a small cup. She drank it. Thereafter, Diane had two thoughts in rapid succession: First, "Oh, he [the priesthood holder] did this just for me." And then, "Oh He [the Savior] did this just for me." ("That I Might Draw All Men unto Me," April 2016)

The Lord emphasized to Joseph:

    "Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God; For, behold, the Lord your Redeemer suffered death in the flesh; wherefore he suffered the pain of all men, that all men might repent and come unto him." (Doctrine and Covenants 18:10-11, emphasis added) 

What should we do with this feeling? (still a work in progress - more to come)

Forty-Five

 Joseph Smith Sr. was 45 when his Vermont farm failed. That's my age. As the provider for his large family (9 kids), I'm sure it weighted heavily on him. The circumstances weren't even in his control. Mt. Tambora in Indonesia had erupted with such force on the other side of the world that it caused "the year without a summer." Midsummer frosts doomed many crops worldwide. To save his family, the Smiths picked up and moved. 

Martin Harris was a different story. By the time he was 45 he had amassed over 300 acres of farmland. He was well enough off to take time off for travel. The Lord put him close to the prophet Joseph too. His relationship with his wife was a little rocky, but maybe the money had kept problems from coming to the surface for awhile. I heard a political pundit claim in November that Kamilla Harris' campaign may have suffered from her fundraising success. Money tends to insulate businesses and organizations from recognizing problems until they become larger and maybe out of control. The same might be true for individuals and families too.

Sorry, forgot to ask. Is now a good time for a midlife crisis? I'm not sure I know exactly what that feels like, but every now and then when I feel restless or without much traction I wonder... 

I came home on Saturday from the wrestling tournament feeling impotent. Four coaches at the arena was good for the one time we had four matches going at once, but otherwise I was just another guy making noise in the corner. Some of the wrestlers are starting to make some real progress. That's exciting, but likely not a direct result of my efforts. As effective and useful as I try to be, I have a growing feeling that I would be making a greater difference elsewhere. That elsewhere is likely home. The pay is never why people do these things. That I'm talented at it, or enjoy it, those reasons aren't really good enough either. What if all the effort I invested into wrestling was systematically invested in Christi and the boys? I would have to make sure that it wasn't wasted, because there is a temptation there, but I think I could make a more significant difference with them. 

The truth is, Joseph Sr. and Martin Harris were both on the brink of something big at 45 - life changing even. Is there something like that in the cards for me? I'm not sure. There are a number of things about my life that I don't want to change, there are also many that could be improved though. For both of these 45 year olds drawing closer to God than they'd ever been before was important. For both, aligning themselves with God's work even at great personal sacrifice was essential. For both hearing God's voice through His prophet and following through with diligence was crucial.

Section 4 of the Doctrine and Covenants is a revelation for Joseph Sr., section 5 (3 and 10 too really) is a revelation for Martin Harris. Both are invited to play specific roles in the work. I always found it interesting that the scripture missionaries recite most (sec. 4) was given to someone who didn't leave his family to serve a full-time mission. He didn't go abroad to teach, but was to share the message with friends and neighbors. So I approached the sister missionaries after they spoke in our sacrament meeting today and asked if they could come teach us how to be better member missionaries. They're coming on Thursday. Do you have any suggestions in the mean time? 

Martin is a fixed on his desire to be a witness of the plates. It is an inspired desire for sure, but one he really has to stretch for. From pressures within his own family circle come things like the loss of the 116 pages, the ransacking of Joseph's house, and even lawsuits. His pursuit of this desire however may be his saving grace. The blessing of that witness and his firmness in his testimony of it changes his trajectory significantly. What stretching things does the Lord have in store for me? For this 45 year old? While I wait for these questions to be answered, I think I'll work on that three part list above. 

I've started on my third time through the conference messages this week. As I study, I'm going to try to channel Joseph Sr. in my obedience. I want to be a useful tool in the Lord's hands, and I'm sure he'll help direct my efforts as I hold closer to Him and His word through His prophets. 

Helping Christi

 in January of 2007 we went for the 20 week ultrasound at a small imaging clinic in Taylor, Arizona. We were excited and the tech was silent. Expecting it was standard operating procedure, we waited for the doctor's read of it. The phone rang a few days later inviting us to visit a specialist 3 hours away in the Phoenix Valley to investigate "abnormalities." When we made the trip, the specialist brought us in, hypothesized about a defect called "holoprosencephaly" with an incredibly high mortality rate and suggested abortion. We caught our breath, asked if Deana was at risk, and refused. He transferred our care.

The next doctor gave us one of only two prognoses that we have ever received for Christi. He told us that while in the womb she was in a safe place, but whatever was going on in that head of hers would be too much for her to survive more than a few minutes to a few hours after birth. That was all we could expect. 

Trusting that families are forever, we decided to loose no time building a relationship with our girl and began singing nightly to Deana's growing belly. "I am a Child of God" was the standard, and we hoped together for opportunities to lead guide and walk beside our sweet girl through whatever life held for her. 

March 29th was the scheduled C-section delivery. The pressure in her head had caused it to grow off the charts and she needed to come 2 months earlier than expected. We steeled ourselves, but were overjoyed to welcome our rather robust looking 4 lb 14 oz angel into the world. 

The doctors worked hard to stabilize her and then collect tests and samples to determine how they could best help. I followed - with a finger for her to hold and a familiar song on my lips. And when I sang it was powerfully clear - She knew me! She would quickly calm down and listen intently whatever was going on to hear our common plea that Heaven would lead us, guide us and help us find the way.

Within hours of birth they made a hole and inserted a tube into her head to relieve the pressure. 10 ounces and three days later, her now overlapping head plates created a curious spectacle. But she was here! she was ours! And she was beautiful!

The doctors determined now that she had suffered a stroke in utero killing some and disfiguring other parts of her brain. She had prenatal hydrocephalus and the fluid pressure in her head had literally been smashing her brain tissue against the inside of her skull. 8 days after her birth - on the 6th of April she had her first of many shunts placed to keep a regular fluid pressure in her head. The ensuing years included all sorts of new experiences and helps: head shaping helmets, feeding tubes, and seizure meds. Occupational, speech, and physical therapists came to our home became part of our routine. Milestones we had taken for granted and used to compare our children against others with our first two children became priceless and personal miracles. Talking was maybe the most normal milestone she reached around age two. She took her first steps at age 5. Before she began schooling, at 4, Christi's cognitive function testing revealed that she was significantly behind in all categories except one. She had the auditory memory of a 9 year old! She loved music and we felt so grateful for those early feelings to sing to her. 

Jospeh Smith taught: "All the minds and spirits that God ever sent into the world are susceptible of enlargement" (Teachings, 354). Parents naturally hold the primary responsibility to nurture that growth. With our first two children, that looked pretty standard, setting goals for milestones, school, sports, etc.. With Christi, sometimes it felt like all we could do just to keep her alive. Her growth and progress were punctuated dramatically with life threatening episodes from time to time. Shunts would fail, seizures wouldn't stop etc.. We joked with life flight teams occasionally about the frequent flyer miles that we must be accruing. 

There were great times of almost normalcy too, and we looked, hoped, and prayed for ways to help Christi's life be as wonderful and enriching as possible. Some of the answers to those prayers included the idea to enlarge the hole in a bottle nipple using a heated fork prong - to help her get off her feeding tube and learn a normal hunger response. And later, when she was 7 years old, the idea to bungee-cord her feet to the pedals of her bicycle to help her learn to discipline her muscles to the pattern for riding (watch her here). She was so determined and worked so hard! She inspired us with her drive and zest for life.

Then when she was 7 1/2 years old we had our closest call of all. After struggling to keep anything down for at least 12 hours, Christi went into cardiac arrest. When I found her she was blue gray and unresponsive. I called out to Deana and started CPR. She called 911 and our neighbors. After a pleading blessing, she was transported to the nearest hospital and then flown to Phoenix Children's. Deana flew with her and I drove. The former student of mine that was on the ambulance crew that day went home and told his mom, "There's no way she'll make it." With a few close calls on the flight, they arrived at Phoenix Children's hospital where they put her into a medically induced coma to save her life. She would stay that way for the next 2 weeks. 

After my 3 hour drive to the hospital one of the doctors took me aside before I was allowed to see her - to convey the severity of the situation and to temper my expectations. Doctors and nurses rushed in and out for a while, but then things slowed down and it was just me and her. It was pretty clear - our lives were going to change again forever. The eerie way the monitor showing her brain waves drew a continuous flat straight green line day after day testified to it. We yearned for her, talked and sang to her, prayed for her and hoped. We wondered too - what was her experience like? What would it be like if/when she awoke? We talked to each other too - about how important it was to provide as much normalcy for our other 4 children as possible. They couldn't feel they were less important.

So many around us fasted and prayed for her and us during that time. When she finally woke up two weeks later we found out slowly that she could no longer see, speak, eat, or even move her muscles voluntarily. But she was still here and still ours! Maybe we could help her regain function. We were excited to help her as much as possible. Fasting, prayers, improvements and setbacks filled our days and nights before an insurance company and a bedbug outbreak sent us packing back up the mountain and home.

Since that time we have worked hard to improve Christi's life. We moved back to Utah to be close to Primary Children's and family. We learned an intense medication and physical care regiment and how to de and re-construct her wheelchair to fit into the trunk of our car. We've been with her in the hospital over and over and over again. Long enough to learn the lingo, know many of the doctors and nurses that work there, and the staff at the Ronald McDonald house. Sometimes it has been intense - like the time all her doctors assembled in a room to tell us that they felt like she was in decline and encourage us to put her on hospice for what they expected to be the last weeks or months of her life - that was back in 2017. She likes to defy the odds.

She has helped teach my children compassion and service without expectation. She has taught me lessons about topics from determination and grit, to love and simple joy. She has brought us neighbors and friends full of love. 

Deana bears such an immense burden for her! Countless daytime hours for stretching and therapies, medications and bowel regimens as well as meeting the needs of our other 4 children. I, for nearly the past decade, have covered the night shift. I slept on a beanbag outside her door for most of it, but now on a foldable mattress beside her bed. Helping her has been a helping us for a long time. (to be continued)